My Life... (so far)

I haven't posted in a while. I forgot I actually had a blog. I just feel so fucking pathetic. I'm sorry, but I have to waste your time to talk about my fucked up life. I would love to write about everything that's on my mind, but there is only one particular thing I have to get off my chest. Though it is sort of a long story, so I'm starting off somewhere that seems completely random.

I have to admit, I'm kind of a band geek. Actually, I am a band geek. Everything about me screams MUSIC LOVER. Well, at least that's how I see myself. Anyways, I was on a band trip for Jazz and I had a heart-to-heart with one of the chaperone's/my ex-teacher. I wouldn't even call it a heart-to-heart but whatever. I just told her that my mother was going to kick me out of the house for and I had to live with my dad for a while. And he lives on the other side of the city from where I go to school. The reasons why she was kicking me out was because I'm such a bitch to her. I say horrible things, I'm a smart ass to her and I don't respect her. The only thing I don't do is swear around her. But this isn't the thing I want off my chest, I'm just getting some smaller stuff on the way.

The reason why I was willing to tell the teacher was that she came to me when I was her student and told me I could talk to her about my parent getting a divorce. It bugged me that my mother told the teacher before she told me. This is how it happened, a year before the band trip this year, I was on another band trip (confusing right?) everything was fine, well not fine but normal by my standards and when I came back from that trip my parent were standing five metres away from each other. Everything had changed. I was in our van on our way home when they said they were getting a divorce. I didn't cry, I don't cry. I don't remember what happens after that, I don't even want to. But I do remember my mom begging my dad to just leave the damn house. He did. After a good long few months, or weeks. All I know is that it took him forever. And boy, I thought they fought a lot before, but those times were record-breaking.

Now I feel as though I'm scarred. I now am afraid of going on trips without any of my parents 'cause every time my life gets worse. I will explain everything in a moment, but know back to being able to talk to my teacher.

The thing is, I didn't ever go to her, she kind of forced me (which was what I needed) because I was afraid. I am afraid. Of talking to people that is. Anyways I told her my mom started seeing a guy she met on the Internet. (I never let my mother here the end on how stupid it was to meet someone from the Internet. And yes, I did call her stupid) I had to spend Christmas day with him, it was one of the worst days of my life. Trust me, I have so much to choose from. And to think I didn't even cry that night... anyways my mother and her sister were/are fighting so she was pissed when my aunt invited me and my dad for Xmas dinner. "BUT YOU AND ME HAVE PLANS!" She said. I went anyways, If I didn't I wouldn't be able to see my father on Christmas. But I was going to sleep at his place and spend Boxing Day with him anyways.

But just as I was leaving my aunt's house I realized I forgot my purse at home. It was midnight, I didn't it was a big deal to walk in my own house to use the washroom and grab my purse. We can all guess that I thought wrong. My dad followed me in the house, waiting in the doorway, though he did walk up to my room and back. I didn't think it was a big deal, I mean, he use to live there, it would feel weird to not walk around.

Anyways, as I was walking down the hallway to the bathroom, I turn my head to the side, without faltering my step I see my mother's boyfriend's head as he's looking up to see who was there. Which was me. My mother was wrapped up in blankets beside him. I saw all this without turning my head. I saw my mother in bed with another man from the corner of my eye. Without stopping, I went straight into the bathroom, and thought to myself, I don't believe this. Or something along the lines of that. But the weird thing was, earlier that day I was thinking of my mother and her boyfriend in bed together and thinking, she would never do that. I mean, who would want HER? I know, harsh. But it made me feel better thinking no guy would want her. Yes, I'm a bitch.

After that, I got out of the washroom and went in my room to get my purse. I had also forgotten the present I had got my dad, it didn't register in my mind until I was back in my dad's car. My dad had no idea. I didn't tell him. I don't even know how he didn't notice, he walked RIGHT PAST THEM AND NEVER FREAKING SAW!! The only thing I'm wondering is why didn't my mother or her boyfriend tell us that they were there and awake? I still don't know why.

When my dad and I got back my mom phoned him on his cell about her being in bed with her boyfriend and how we are always suppose to phone before I came in the house. (She never told me that before, bitch.) And yelling at him that he wasn't even allowed to be in the house and all that shit. I just remember wanting to cry. I didn't. My mom told him not to tell me. I already knew. He told me anyways. He promised me that he would never keep something from me.

I told my teacher that except a very short version. I liked the fact that she told me the same thing happened to her when she was my age. Its good to know I wasn't alone. Now I truly am.

Remember I was saying "Every time I come back from a trip alone (without my parents) something bad happens?" Well I got sick. The first Monday back I had a fever and discover blood in my urine. No, I was not on my period. It was straight to the children's emergency. It took awhile to convince me to go, I was scared shit less. I started hyperventilating and crying, yelling "I DON'T WANT TO GO!" I was literally acting like a two year old. But I sucked it up at went anyways. We got there around 8:30pm and we didn't see a doctor til morning, at like 1. Blah, blah, blah. I'm going to tell you all the details, but I was in and out of the doctors office and back in emergency all week until Thursday, they finally just emitted me in the hospital. They couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. But the reason why I had to be emitted was because they thought I had something wrong with my kidney, like a kidney disease or they thought it might be an allergic reaction from Advil. Yes, Advil, I had been basically living and relying on Advil my entire life. They wanted to preform and biopsy on me. It is almost surgery. Instead of cutting you open, they stick a long needle inside of you and take a samples of your tissue. In my case it was my kidney. I wasn't even scared. I was basically just like, to fuck with this. Ya know? I just didn't care anymore. I don't care anymore.

Anyways they got the results and a have this rare disease where only an average of 12 people a year get diagnosed with it. It is especially uncommon for a little kid. Its some auto-immune disorder. There's like two different words, I can't pronounce one of them and I still don't really understand what it is. ANCA or Pauci-immune glomerulonephritis. I have to go through 7 months of chemo therapy and shit. My hair is falling out and I'm going to have to wear a fucking wig. This is too much for a fucking fourteen year old to deal with. I just want to die. All the time. I have to take all these different medications with horrible side affects that makes my face swollen and ugly, gives me bad acne, makes me hungry ALL THE TIME and makes you irritable. I talked to my doctors and it changed some kids' moods so much that they need to take more pills to keep their moods under control. Ah, the beauty of Prednisone (steroids).

Whatever. And apparently I qualify for a wish from the Children's Wish Foundation. I don't know what I want. I don't want or need anything. I don't even deserve it. I'm not ever dying. Yet.

I'll tell you more about my problems another night. I have to sleep, I have to work for my mother tomorrow. And I have guitar lessons. Have a nice life.

Amy