life wants

the people worth living for

life wants

the people who make life

a better place

...

life just doesn't seem

to want me

anymore.

well, who else but you?

and so my heart almost stopped beating

scared the shit out of me

i almost lost it

stupid myspace

doesn't change the fact

oh the irony

even though nothing is quite ironic, it seems to fit my swirling emotions.

trying not to sleep,

hopefully will feel better when i wake from not sleeping

so i can go

and see Predator

need to see gore and a bloody mess to quench my addiction for the time being

by the way

30mg of Prozac a day.. is that a lot?

I don't own this.

but it reminds me of the video from youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI

Guten Nacht, maybe im fine :]

tonight, is going to be a good night :)
fuck blackeyedpeas

got my haircut ! bbut even though its alil short, it'll grow back, mm?
im over satisfied =]
i cant help but feel
light headed
light hearted
like im floating on air
the oxygen i breathe makes me high
but i will stay low for you
:]

negativity

i haven't felt this low for awhile
its about 3 in the morning
some tears are leaking
nothing special
im just day dreaming
about happiness
eternal glee
too bad
its far from reality
im just some emo kid
preaching my selfish depressive episodes.
all my mother knows about my depression is that i can't turn it on and off.
i am a bitch
i am a smart ass
i pretend to not give a shit
i care way to fucking much about you
and i wish i was good enough for you
i wish i was perfect for you
and im not referring to anyone in particular, just somebody someday
i confuse myself
i use this blog to rant, as you can see
but no one does see
only me
and im just sad
sad like the rest
but happy
forcefully happy when my friends are present.
i just feel completely numb
suicidal even,
but they say, your less suicidal when you are very depressed because depression makes you tired, and when your feeling better, you are more likely to attempt suicide. At least thats what i heard.

Once i was feeling suicidal, and to distract myself i looked up suicide on Google and looked at pictures of peoples' suicides. It disturbed me, but it also called to me. i can't stand seeing people hurt themselves intentionally, thats why i am a hypocrite. but i dont give a shit. i just put others before myself, im pretty sure even strangers.

i dont care if you think this doesn't make any sense. im not editing this.
This is my pure raw emotion, soak it in and feel the negativity radiating off this web page, then you'll be in my world.

This is how i am behind closed doors and when nobody's listening.
Nobody's ever listening.

I listen to you, because i want to love you.

worthless, helpless and FUCKING hopeless

it hasn't even been a fucking week and i need my psychiatrist like i have never had before. I don't want her.. but i probably need her.
FUUUUUCKKKK

mood: trying not to do anything stupid.
oh and I'm fucking pissed
i want to stab you til your blood drains
even though ich liebe dich
i like to pretend
and i like ranting about my selfish so called 'emo' problems.
people are just better at handling stuff, and I'm fucked

music: fucking misfits is my love now

FINE THEN
don't go on
leave me rotting
with my
smog-filled lungs
leave me to the razor
where it slices and dices
DEEP within the flesh

i turn all the fucking despair into
anger
cause
sadness
is for the weak
and

I AM NOT FUCKING WEAK

i care so much
we are so far
you are a little young
but did i ever give a fuck?
we could be great
but maybe i haven't seen the real you
BUT I FUCKING WANNA :'(
i can imagine myself
SCREAMING
SHRIEKING
your name
for you to look up
for you to listen
FOR YOU TO FUCKING REALIZE

that i am alive

Where has it gone

Love left me sobbing

crashed against the floor

I'm alone

Bleeding from the inside out

...

The word

on its own

Is capable

Of a never ending misery

An ongoing bloody murder

the reddened soul,

the reddened soul

of eternal darkness

the place of foul,

black regret

On my left hand

lies the limp heart

pulsing colourless blood

This feeling

This yearning

it means...

Love is gone

Love left me

It left me good

My Attempted Explanation

By the way... if you actually care, the last post I did was based on the photo. I'm starting to get pictures and write the story behind the photo.

The way I'm explaining it is confusing... I hope you get the point.


i feel stupid

Hiding...

Its nothing but necessary

For hurting the ones I love

Will hurt me more

...

The smiles continue

They increase

After every slash

Its the

Only time I can dream

of dreaming

...

Its...

My plan,

My sweet,

bloody

Master plan

It

Could never

let me down

...

After all

Who Would Question A Smile?