Sometimes I just wish I could be somebody else. Like anything else would be easier than this. But I'd always like a challenge. Maybe that's why everything is so hard... and its all my fault. Everything. I'd rather blame myself than selfishly blame someone who is innocent. They don't deserve to feel and see my rage. I hide my pain well. I'm starting to see a counsellor, whom is the assistant of a psychiatrist I am suppose to see but is on holidays. I'm seeing him August 4Th. His assistant already thinks I've been suffering from depression for three years. I did. And I still am. I am just a fucked up little kid. I'm 14, but I feel like I am still 12 years old. I'm forget my latest memories. I feel as though I am living in the past. I am diseased. I am scarred. I'm in a broken family. And most of all, I am alone. Literally. My dad doesn't live with me anymore... my mother is out of town until tomorrow night and my dogs are being taking care of else where. Its just me and my cat. He's all I ever have and need.
I am a freak. An emo freak. I am a stereo-fucking-typical emo freak. Read between the lines. I'm exactly what they say about emos well, almost except I am a girl. I just get disgusted at my self for how ugly I am. I am repulsed at the sight of myself. I'm sorry people have to look at me. Sometimes I think like that. Usually. Sometimes, Fuck It. I don't even bother caring. Then other times I think people think I am slightly attractive but think I'm an emo freak. I know what I want. But I don't know if I'll still want it when I have it. And it kills me. I'm just confused. And I desperately need help. I think I might have something slightly worse than depression. And I do not want to take anymore medications. I have to take over 10 pills a day. Not to mention chemo therapy once a month. Not to mention I have nobody. No siblings, no friends, no one my age to talk to. I mean, I have friends most who wont even listen of give a shit cause they're so selfish. Others, it would just be awkward, they don't know what to say and I'm afraid they'll treat me differently if I tell them what I have to go through. And the rest I just don't trust. Nobody I know understands. And I'm not just saying that. Its 100 percent true. I truly am alone. I would give anything to have a sibling. To be less alone. To have someone my age who actually knows me and is going through the same divorce. To be at my side in the hospital. I like people my age. I hang around to many adult. I'm starting to think like one.
I have a wish for the children's wish foundation. If i could have anything, I wouldn't want to be alone. Next would be to have at least a decent appearance. Less fat on my body. I don't know. I don't even need a fucking wish. No fucking item in the world can make my happy. Money can't buy fucking happiness. I don't even feel like I deserve a wish. It just seems so stupid. Why don't they just give money for cancer research or something that actually goes to good use. Like some how stopping war, feeding the homeless, kids without a family... there's bigger problems than being sick. You're just fucking helpless and pathetic. It sucks. I almost rather kill myself. But I know that would be the worst mistake I would ever make. Somehow it just makes me feel better thinking about it. I hate being weak. I hate that my hair is falling out. I hate being me. I wish there was something better out there. Something that would make all this suffering worth it. It makes me really think if there is a real god out there.
So God, if your out there... I'm telling you that I'm going to a Christian High School. Is that good enough to get into heaven when I kill myself? Right, I was kidding. No, but I have considered it many times. I just rather make myself suffer. I'm sick and twisted. Why did you make me like this? Or did the Devil tamper with me in the womb? I can't blame you for what I'm like. Sorry. But I thank you for the life I do have. I guess. So... thanks. Just help me. Make me better. I don't want to be known as the sick emo freak. I just want to be different. I already have that accomplished...
Amy
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